You and your sexuality are valid and you deserve to be treated as such. I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. I would not have been able to control myself the same way no doubt. She may actually not understand your bisexuality because its been something she said shes fine with but never actually confronted. Or do you think Ive misunderstood? Im gonna get downvoted for this but I think you should hear it anyway OP. The world is bad enough with mean enough people, you dont need your team mate trash talking you too. Whats the point in being in relationship, in a marriage if you can't have ALL of trust, loyalty, and respect. Especially because the reason behind the "close call" was because OP is bi. The guy was asking her if she'd told me about them being together in the past. You can be understanding of her error, but she has to build up trust back with you. Suggest you stay away for a bit and do some thinking about what you want and whether its possible for her to mend this damage and that you can accept her behavior and forgive her. Ive never felt this upset. Unless they're all like that and she's just throwing a couple out for a meat shield, like she did with you. This. Same! Exactly! The moment your sexuality became some kind of giggle fodder was when it really crossed the line. You both need to get in front of a good counselors and dig in. Especially with the "gay" things they do. Beer runs out so I head inside to grab more. Thats punishment enough for some. I was going to say something identical. Kidding aside. The trust cannot be restored and it would be better to separate for now. I mean, youre not wrong petty king/queen. Or no, either way it was gross as fuck. I was hurt when I found out he had outed me to a couple of friends while bragging about some of our exploits, and he apologetically told me the day he did it because it just slipped out during bro time reading your story made my stomach churn. As an aside, in tandem I would "shore up" the masculine vibe (I'm reluctant to say it, but if shes confronted with sommething she may traditionally view as feminine then it will prove a great juxtaposition if you are more "direct and masculine" while shes going through this priocess). It sounds more like it's a matter of comfort and trust. Names have been changed. Divorce may be an end result. Once your sexual history was out in the open and left you vulnerable to her girlfriends judgements, she decided to join in and talk shit about it and mention that she thinks of other men while pleasuring you since it turns her off. Good luck, brother. Do NOT let her tell you your feelings are wrong. If you are honest, people may cheat you. One day he throws a temper tantrum, and instead of talking with me about his insecurities, he goes off and tells everyone about it. No real worries there. The big question is are you still in love with your wife and enjoy having a family with her? It just seems like shes ashamed of it an projecting. The Geni has escaped from the bottle, as there's no chance of putting it back in, you need to deal with the humiliation that you feel in how it was told. Be happy anyway. Anything she says in the moment right now can't be trusted because she'll do or say whatever it takes to keep you. In that space is our power to choose our response. This is NOT on her timeline anymore. And sometimes we have to forgive stupid people because we love them anyway. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, buy filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. Im a masculine male with a bit of a cocky arrogance to me and I feel like all my confidence is gone. The sheer betrayal of trust is breathtakingly awful. I totally dont get why she would lie and say he begged for the gay stuff if she was wanting it. But Id advise against staying with someone like that at all. If she does in fact really care about you - she will wait. Personally I don't think it's bad enough to end a good relationship over but you should make it clear that trying to hide her mistake and belittling you to others to save her self from their scorn is both childish and cruel. Kids do the joking crap and make fun of boyfriends, not decent women. Id rather show my support. The slider to the patio from the kitchen is open. I couldnt believe it. But please know this, todays generation can say theyre in the exact same boat as you and face no issues from same aged folks. He claims it was just he was not mature and never meant any of the terrible things he did. Fuck how you want to fuck. If you two have a solid relationship, you should be able to work through this. The second is more complicated: She does see bisexuality as "unmasculine" or an emasculating trait, however, you cant actively deny her feelings on the subject; theyre just her opinion on it. Couples counseling could help. But, she finally conceded maybe he was genuine. Dude, I am so sorry. But one thing I have realized is that you should be proud of who you are as a person, sexual preferences included. That was 100% a choice on her part. Yet, evrything else you've said indicates that she does value you: this relationship was not strained up until this point, and nobody (apart from some really messed up people) can "play pretend" for so long. You are both going to be have to go to couples therapy and individual therapy sessions. And if it was an accident, why did she give them details about what kinks you have? There is nothing wrong with you. Too many people on this app will read this and tell she can never be trusted again and you need to divorce. If so, I think you should try. That means she's been laughing about their sex life for a couple years, after outing him and then hiding it from him. If she truly loves you she is going to beat herself up for a while. No matter how stupid, stupid turnt I got, I would NEVER be in a state of mind to let such a personal, private thing slip out. It sounds like you have a wife who loves you but is a social coward so afraid of opinions that she tried to hide that it ever happened in hopes no one would find out. Especially the two narrow minded ones, All these comments already have good points, I just wanna add that you should definitely take your time. Look beyond her faux Pas and look at the positives and what you enjoy. My wife and I always have a number one rule at the foundation of our relationship: never say a bad word about each other to anyone else. Tell her that not another drop of alcohol is going to pass her lips from now on, it obviously addles her common sense. Ban the girls from the house. She and her group of mean girls clearly cant accept that. And had kids with you. You're in the feels phase of this situation, not in the action phase yet. I'm a bisexual woman, and if my husband told his friends that he thinks of other women when we do more than vanilla sex, I'd tell him to go find less. Thats so tough. She betrayed your trust, and she makes fun of your sexuality to her friends? I think you handled that really well. That's plain shitty. All the sudden I didnt know my wife. However you don't have to forgive and forget either; life isn't black and white. I packed a bag, kissed the kids goodbye, and told them I was going to grandmas house to help her with something. Well 1. She is trying to write this shit off as a mistake. she outed you, made cruel jokes about your guys sex life, and didnt shut down her friends for being homophobic/biphobic. And without trust, you have nothing. I'm conflicted because a lot of men talk about other women,wives,guys etc like that to seem tough and shit, but when a woman says it it makes it the end of the world? But we hung on. ! for a few minutes. Part of thinks I should be able to accept her apology and shrug this off.maybe I overacting.but its all I can think about. If this is a hurdle you feel like you cant get past, then work on it. They were talking about ex-boyfriends and how another mutual friend of them cheated on her husband with an ex-boyfriend because he was better in bed. She not only outed him, but this obviously wasn't the first time they've discussed this. Those so called friends are not real friends. Her voice was strained and raspy. I don't know where you should go from here. And be prepared to put the fear of God, who loves bi and gay and straight people, and in Whose name marriage vows are made, into this Tom-person. Your wife needs some new friends. She stopped criticizing after that. She values her homophobic friends' opinions more than your feelings. BS. One of my wifes friends was fairly insistent about her divorcing me but honestly it came from a genuine place, its a weird situation and if you cant see how happy we are, I cant blame you for not getting it. Is the point of using your throwaway so she doesnt see your other post history? Your story is isn't as violent, but its just as embarrassing and horrifying to hear. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. Best of luck man. I think you should try to work this out. She said two of her friends are judgmental and believe youre either gay or straight and since I enjoy men (only sexually, not romantically) I must be gay. You feel emasculated about something that's a part of you because you hide it Weirdly plenty of women like men who like men too. Im a bisexual guy, I like guys strictly sexually. This has obviously been a topic of conversation for a couple years and she never bothered to tell him about outing him, instead laughing about their sex life and needing to fantasize about other men while leaving him in the dark. Im one of the long time married people commenting in this sub. I would take a long look to see if this is reconcilable. She needs new friends what a bunch of assholes. Truly when you come to the realisation your partner has such a low view , I sympathise a lot with you dude. It seems like it doesnt bother your one guy friend all that much and maybe having it a little out in the open will be nice. I'm sorry. Now this doesnt mean shes a 100% shit person. What you say too each other is one thing but to the outside world your SO is the best cook lover protector whatever. Reading it, it definitely felt like she was saying stuff to fit in with judgy friends. She brought her marriage outside where it shouldn't belong. Then she said he has a really cute small dick, but tries to please. Hope you can solve things and come to a good end for you. I think forcing her to go no contact with certain friends is crossing a line in a relationship that can never be repaired. I packed a bag, kissed the kids goodbye, and told them I was going to grandmas house to help her with something. If my bf were you, I'd imagine he would do the same exact thing. I turned to my wife with a raised eyebrow and announced I guess you didnt have me pegged to be a man that would stand up for himself! And I majestically brushed my cape back and walked right out of the house. Talk it out and see if she can commit to working on this need to put on appearances. It sounds like you're discovering a side of your wife you didn't know about. Couples counseling may help rebuild trust. And I've faced this with my family-- I shut that crap down with a quickness. How would she feel, how would she react, etc. I think that you need a good week to try and think about how you feel, how you're going to be able to contain the gossip and how you move forward with the wife . She criticized him and tried to get me to break up with him. My phone was blowing up the whole time with calls and text from my wife and a few from our friends. Dude, she needs to recognize that her violation of your trust is incredibly bad. The only thing I can think is that she didnt want you to worry or feel badly about itbut its an important thing I would want mentioned to me (an ex sniffing around and trying to get back together with my boyfriend). Youd be second guessing everything they tell you from here in. Shows you don't accept their judgemental BS. You are who you are, it's a done deal. Right? First of all, I think we all say less than admirable things about our SOs at times. It mattered not, the day was mine. Also, she may have "let it slip" 2 years ago, but obviously they've all talked about it since. At 31 years old! I'm not sure how your marriage survives without professional help. EVERYTHING she did was awful and she clearly knew that she messed up (more than once). Divorce. Your wife definitely violated your trust by sharing that information with her friends. To at least one person. Oh My God, seriously? Yea, some people are just too worried what their peers think and arent (strong/brave) enough to go against the group. Your wife is a cowered. I turned around and stormed off to our room. Which is obviously shit because she's willing to throw you to the wolves, but not admit her fun time with you. My worst mistake was not breaking up right away. I feel for you and wish you the best. She immediately started apologizing and saying she loves me and it was drunk girl talk and she didnt mean anything. She seems like a good egg caught in a bad moment however. As for your wife - I think her feelings are understandable even if her actions were insensitive. Going forward, she needs to seriously consider what she says to her "friends" if she cannot say them infront of you openly. Why was this in turn a secret kept from you? Definitely think about whether or not this is a dealbreaker. I couldn't stop laughing at the first sentence in your comment. It's tough but I would stay just for the kids. First, you did not overreact, this is a huge violation of your trust. You need to accept yourself for who you are. We have an exciting and active sex life. I would want to know why, if it was me. Don't go silent on her. Are those things outweighed by her indiscrete talking (and her judgemental friends). I'd be more open about your sexuality; if you've nothing to hide then the nasty wives have nothing to attack. Take some you time and work out where you are that's your starting point my man edit good luck. That's awful. Also you say you feel emasculated. Any time it would come up I would think about those words. Then lots of hard conversations and a come to Jesus with your wife. One of the guys who was there called me and I answered. Soooo. If I were OP, the answer to this would play a big part in how/whether I wanted to proceed in the relationship. She violated a boundary. I would keep notes about what's promised and then see what she manages to do about it going forward (should you decide to stay with her). The two judgmental homophobic friends have got to go. Her exact words "I feel like i settled for him. I mean i think you can talk it out?? Your partner in crime fucked up. She was shitfaced when she admitted your sexuality, was pressured to mock your sexuality by her terrible friends, and she didn't actually mean to completely fucking demean you sexually. My only advice is to give it time. They'll only hear "he likes sex with men. 2.) Yeah, all of those things are a painful betrayal. It's not infidelity but to me it sounds just as fucking bad. I agree, marriage counseling ASAP. She continued to ignore my boundary. Must feel betrayed and really hurt. Also, if shes lying to you about this, I feel absolutely certain that are other things you dont know. I am so pissed off on OP's behalf. That was extra stupid. Watch your back op!! There is nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust with anything. She does have a right to talk to you about it, and you with her. Do those stupid things include degrading your bisexual SO to friends with homophobic views? If that isn't true, she should dump the friends because no one should have to feel like they have to validate themselves in a relationship to those they trust. I think that is a much worse betrayal, to laugh at him behind his back with these people he thinks are friends. Your other half should be your protector but it turns out she's the instigator of making fun out of your sexuality - which should only be discussed between the two of you. Your wife betrayed your trust, and knowingly let her friends make homophobic comments. Im so sorry, my jaw hit the floor reading this. First up outing someone is never good an apology can be made for that but not the making you less than convo you heard. Do good anyway. Then one friend says I could never be with a man who like men. It sounds like her friends are shit. No shit. But something you might ask her about. You deserve that. Ebony milf with big tits, shaking young boy's cock in rough modes 06:00. The thing that's most revolting is that she'd hang you out to dry just to agree with her mates. If everything else is great, and she is genuinely remorseful, and willing to work on your relationship, I don't see why you should write off your life together. My ex used to talk about our sex life to her friends all the time and though I thought things were good - I never felt comfortable with this arrangement. I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. Doesn't really sound wonderful to me if she can out private details like that so easily. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. Dont let your wifes shitty behavior ruin your confidence and self worth. Her to like the same shit you go?? Imagine it was a really graphic conversation, about all her body parts or how she is bad at oral sex, and it included discussions of your ex-girlfiend for comparison. Good luck! It very much is and if you let them gaslight you and suppress how you actually feel, you will feel a huge burden and trust issues for the rest of your life. This wasn't the first time - no one but him was shocked and all the friends knew it was safe to joke about. Genuine apologies matter so I guess gage how genuine you think she is or if shes just upset she got caught? Good luck and I do feel for you. I used to drink to black out, and not one time did I let slip the secrets I held for my friends and family. It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. She shouldnt care what others think of her or you, let alone talk about you negatively behind your back. Created by your wife. you sound like a fuckin pussy, enjoy your manliness, as you your wife fucks u in the ass LOL. Do you actually believe that she didn't have any agency? You gotta fuck Tom. OP, Ive never been in your shoes but I can empathize with flat out betrayal. It won't repair the damage that's been done. For a moment I felt ashamed. Tell her to flip the genders and make it you and the "boys" doing "locker room talk" about her and all the things she likes in the bedroom. One friend asked her if she considered it and she said yes but ultimately she chose to stay with me because I made her happy and treated her better. This reeks of blatant disrespect, stupidity, ignorance, and bullshit. Stand firm in that it wasn't okay to disclose private information that you didn't want to be made public. Come on, you're not 19 anymore. Your wife outed you. Fourth, (and this is a guess) given that your wife has some judgemental friends, she is probably just talking some crap that she does not necessarily mean. She said 'girls talk' and she has to have someone to talk to about stuff. Once you know how you need to move forward, she can either own her awful behavior and support you or she can kick rocks. Do you love her more than anything? I am floored you are the only person who has pointed this out. hey i mean, im not married, live with my bf and have 2 cats and a dog. I don't think you will recover from this. When she closes her eyes shes thinking of other men, one of those other men is probably Tom. She destroyed your trust, and trust takes a long time to repair. Couples counseling could work but it may also not be necessary, you two could work on it together. Your wife's unfortunate refusal to do the same speaks to her character too. Best of luck. No partner with a shred of empathy or decency would value the opinions of their friends over their partner's wellbeing. As for the rest of it, definitely couples counseling. I guess the guy was too close or something because my wife again told him that he was drunk and should go back to the group. If she does it again then it's a bigger issue but i'm sure this will be a big learning moment for her and you will both be in a better place for it. Try marriage counseling and perhaps moving away for a new start. But try couples counseling and go from there. She lied about your sexual taste 3. Its very helpful to be able to be open about everything with our friends, cause it makes our open marriage life so much easier without having to keep it secret and hidden, so Im really sorry that you guys have to keep your bisexuality such a secret. Had a similar situation with my best friend. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. If youre ever going to get past this, you should both be in therapy. I got in my car and drove to my mom's house. They don't have her best interest at heart and they will just as quickly sow seeds of doubt to her evidently impressionable mind. And can think clearly. Whatre you guys laughing about? I ask with a smile playing stupid. Bisexuality is valid. We have good jobs that the pandemic didnt effect too much. I wouldnt let her off the hook easily, but we all say and do some dumb stuff and I think she deserves a chance make it up to you and resolve the situation. Wasnt even going to bring it up to her or get upset she didnt tell me. Im not at all saying you were wrong to stay and listen and your feelings are VALID. You pave the way for us, and I appreciate you tons. Im so lost. I'd be worried what she would do if one or both of their kids are bi or gay. Bruuh this is too much for me I'm 52 yrs old, veteran, communications workers close to company retirement, whatever you do just enjoy life. So she made you the butt of their jokes eventho she actively takes part in your sexlife and enjoys it. I agree with this comment as a bi person! Tuesday night we hosted a small gathering (all vaxxed) with some of our couple friends. You two will need some couples counselling after this incident, and some of what you will do in the future will be decided by if you can overcome a natural feeling of anger and resentment that you feel. If it were me, I would let her know that she needs to consider how this would be handled if the roles were reversed. Is she going to listen to her friends claim that you being bi has somehow swayed them? Its fucked up to add that to a conversation just to pile on and humiliate her own husband. Oh buddy, I'm sorry you've had this happen to you. I have also been outed in a similar way. Do not just shrug it off if you stay. you need to think long and hard about if you think you can ever trust her again. Those homophobes won't care that he's married to a woman. Even if it is a stay vacation somewhere near your home. I 100% understand why you're so upset. From one bi to another, I'm sorry you had to go through this, it's a bisexual's nightmare scenario to hear your long-term partner say this kind of shit. You are both going to be have to go to couples therapy and individual therapy sessions. "I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. If you can't trust someone with your sexuality - you aren't going to trust them with anything else that matters to you, there will always be something keeping you from sharing your full self with them. My take: there may be some truth in her fabrications to her friends, which makes her even worse. Standard Group Plc HQ Office, The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road. This story isnt funny but that first line killed me. I'm glad she apologized. She told her friends some of your kinks gross her out, and then told them she fantasizes about her ex-boyfriend while you fuck her. She probably just wants to belong and is afraid to stand up to, i am guessing here, to friends with stronger personalities. IMHO divorce would definitely be on the table. Shes outed you twice, once under influence and this time more than completely sober, then proceeded to loudly discuss your sex life in front of a judgemental group of biphobes who then proceeded to tell their SOs about it and are now probably telling anyone wholl listen about it. A marriage counselor should probably be your first step. Uh huh. I mean, what you probably should have done was just walk quietly back to the garage and talk about it in private with your wife later- like an adult. Just as all good things come to an end, so too do all the bad things. Whether or not its just because she got caught, I dont know. I am so sorry. Throwaway cause I know one of her friends is an avid reddit user and knows my main account. For example, he keeps in touch with some of his exs and although it's his business he is always transparent with me because he know how I would feel if it was behind my back. Unfortunately as long as there are homophobic people out there, there is potential to damage his reputation. After a very long silence, she said, "I guess we'll see how it all comes out in the wash anyway." They went to bed soon after. You have an issue, address it. Right I mean she volunteered stuff when she could have kept her mouth shut. I think you did the right thing by leaving that night, although blowing up the party that was might not have been the best idea. You and your wife decided to marry each other. Don't go broadcasting it. It sucks. I could never trust what to believe again. They honestly seem jealous if they care that much about what you enjoy sexually. The simple fact of the matter is she shit talks you behind your back. She's lying to you to save face. 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Couple friends like she was saying stuff to fit in with judgy friends to marry other!
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